This muphu right here

Please enjoy this copypasta of an actual chat I had with customer service, trying to find the missing tech who was supposed to repair my internet line which had been cut by the FD after the ice storm. The snark is real.  Note: My name. Is not. Jennifer. However, that's how they had it on my account so that's what showed.  Note the last line, I imagine he was rubbing his nips while moaning as he typed that line.

Jennifer : at 11:05:19

he was supposed to be here today between 8 and noon I think

no luck yet

Albert: at 11:05:43

I see. Let me check the technician. 

Jennifer: at 11:05:50

repair reference number is VP217129

Albert: at 11:06:21

Thank you

Jennifer: at 11:07:20

I appreciate the help?

Any luck?

Albert: at 11:10:13

Thank you for waiting. I'm, reaching out to the technician assigned to the job right now.

What's your best callback number?

Jennifer: at 11:10:35

503-867-5309

So do we have an ETA for the tech's arrival?

Albert: at 11:13:59

Thank you for waiting. I've sent an immediate message to the technician to update you since he is been running late on the schedule appointment visit. Base on his status that I can see here, he is still working a job before your location.

Jennifer: at 11:14:41

uh huh.

soooooo, he's going to be at my place when?

Albert: at 11:16:05

My apologies, there is no Estimated time of arrival, however, he should be updating you any time soon about the appointment.

Jennifer: at 11:17:52

so, to sum up, he's running late, not sure how late, he should be updating me about when he may be showing up, but that definitely won't be within the pre-arranged 4 hour window, is that right? And I should expect him to call me in how long?

Albert: at 11:20:05

Unfortunately, that is right Jennifer, the update from him should be within an hour or within the day.

Jennifer: at 11:21:35

uh huh. you know, I'm curious why we bother scheduling 4 hr windows days in advance if they're not something the techs can honor. Just saying.

Jennifer: at 11:23:08

So to also sum up, I'll need an adult at the house for the rest of the day if we want the wire repaired. I can't authorize the repair here?

Albert: at 11:23:09

I understand your frustration Jennifer, rest assured your feedback about this scheduled appointment will be escalated.

Jennifer: at 11:23:41

Also, before I forget, I've changed my name and I'd like to do that officially.

In your records.

Albert: at 11:24:29

You want to update the account holders name is that right?

Jennifer: at 11:24:37

Correct

Jennifer: at 11:25:52

Can we do that?

Albert: at 11:27:32

As much as I wanted to do it for you, only Care department can update the information for you as we are in charge of technical concerns.

Here is their direct number: 800-244-1111 They are open from Monday to Friday 8AM-6PM. Saturday CLOSED.

Jennifer: at 11:30:06

Ah ok. Thanks.

Albert: at 11:30:54

Again, I'm really sorry you are having these issues but for the mean time, is there anything else that I may assist you with?

Jennifer: at 11:31:37

else? you haven't really been able to do anything at all, so, no, I guess not.

Thanks for trying.

Albert: at 11:32:31

Your welcome Jennifer, Thank you for choosing CenturyLink, have a good day!