This muphu right here

Please enjoy this copypasta of an actual chat I had with customer service, trying to find the missing tech who was supposed to repair my internet line which had been cut by the FD after the ice storm. The snark is real.  Note: My name. Is not. Jennifer. However, that's how they had it on my account so that's what showed.  Note the last line, I imagine he was rubbing his nips while moaning as he typed that line.

Jennifer : at 11:05:19

he was supposed to be here today between 8 and noon I think

no luck yet

Albert: at 11:05:43

I see. Let me check the technician. 

Jennifer: at 11:05:50

repair reference number is VP217129

Albert: at 11:06:21

Thank you

Jennifer: at 11:07:20

I appreciate the help?

Any luck?

Albert: at 11:10:13

Thank you for waiting. I'm, reaching out to the technician assigned to the job right now.

What's your best callback number?

Jennifer: at 11:10:35

503-867-5309

So do we have an ETA for the tech's arrival?

Albert: at 11:13:59

Thank you for waiting. I've sent an immediate message to the technician to update you since he is been running late on the schedule appointment visit. Base on his status that I can see here, he is still working a job before your location.

Jennifer: at 11:14:41

uh huh.

soooooo, he's going to be at my place when?

Albert: at 11:16:05

My apologies, there is no Estimated time of arrival, however, he should be updating you any time soon about the appointment.

Jennifer: at 11:17:52

so, to sum up, he's running late, not sure how late, he should be updating me about when he may be showing up, but that definitely won't be within the pre-arranged 4 hour window, is that right? And I should expect him to call me in how long?

Albert: at 11:20:05

Unfortunately, that is right Jennifer, the update from him should be within an hour or within the day.

Jennifer: at 11:21:35

uh huh. you know, I'm curious why we bother scheduling 4 hr windows days in advance if they're not something the techs can honor. Just saying.

Jennifer: at 11:23:08

So to also sum up, I'll need an adult at the house for the rest of the day if we want the wire repaired. I can't authorize the repair here?

Albert: at 11:23:09

I understand your frustration Jennifer, rest assured your feedback about this scheduled appointment will be escalated.

Jennifer: at 11:23:41

Also, before I forget, I've changed my name and I'd like to do that officially.

In your records.

Albert: at 11:24:29

You want to update the account holders name is that right?

Jennifer: at 11:24:37

Correct

Jennifer: at 11:25:52

Can we do that?

Albert: at 11:27:32

As much as I wanted to do it for you, only Care department can update the information for you as we are in charge of technical concerns.

Here is their direct number: 800-244-1111 They are open from Monday to Friday 8AM-6PM. Saturday CLOSED.

Jennifer: at 11:30:06

Ah ok. Thanks.

Albert: at 11:30:54

Again, I'm really sorry you are having these issues but for the mean time, is there anything else that I may assist you with?

Jennifer: at 11:31:37

else? you haven't really been able to do anything at all, so, no, I guess not.

Thanks for trying.

Albert: at 11:32:31

Your welcome Jennifer, Thank you for choosing CenturyLink, have a good day!

Bots of our lives

Fun with idiots

Fun with grindr bots

This cat

Liked to yowl and bring us things she killed. Like socks, and napkins, and sweaters. We called them Isis babies.

Liked to sit above me on a sofa back and groom my hair. FOREVER. Yeah it got creepy.

Liked to scream in the middle of the night in a manner that sounded exactly like someone howling  my man's name. First night he slept over, nearly made him piss himself.

Really really hated the cone of shame. No really. A lot.

Liked when she was the least bit hungry to chase any and all creatures within bitch slapping distance. Her pimp paw would lash like a hurricane and the other cats fled from her while she chased them around and around our house. This continued until a continuous feeder was offered. The bloodshed lessened after that.

She was amazing and graceful and proud and loving. And she would kick your ass. And you'd thank her after. I've seen it happen. She even pimp slapped my bear once when she got mouthy, right upside the head. How many cats can you depend on for that, seriously.

I knew her 14 years. Smallest cat in the house, with the footfalls of an African elephant whom all the other animals respected and feared. Including us.

Requiem in terra pax. You gorgeous little evil.

Insert this trite overused pithy comment about sex change here

Getting a hysterectomy by accident: Check. It ain't exactly "Bottom surgery" but, check anyhow.

Changing name legally to one the world would generally consider a boy's: Check.

Changing DMV designation to reflect "M": Check. (well, soon as name change is done)

Next: Call IRS to see what is entailed in filing jointly because jeebiz after supporting my wife for years as the breadwinner but not being able to file jointly, I ask you: What has two thumbs and is tired of paying upwards of 6k extra in income tax because it looks like I'm single every damn year: this guy, good to meet you.

IRS Guy on phone: "Um, interesting question, I think that if you are legally married as a legal male and legal female, and the state recognizes the marriage, it's ok, but, um, let me send you to the Complicated Tax Problem team."  (No I'm not making that last bit up, they're really called that)

Me: "Um, thanks?"

So... umm... check?

This temptation

Not ten minutes after I wrote that previous post, my very very favorite cake showed up in the staff room. Strawberry, angel food, and whipped cream frosting. Poked my finger into the frosting a bit and had a tiny taste and walked on by. TESTED. PASSED.