Insert this trite overused pithy comment about sex change here

Getting a hysterectomy by accident: Check. It ain't exactly "Bottom surgery" but, check anyhow.

Changing name legally to one the world would generally consider a boy's: Check.

Changing DMV designation to reflect "M": Check. (well, soon as name change is done)

Next: Call IRS to see what is entailed in filing jointly because jeebiz after supporting my wife for years as the breadwinner but not being able to file jointly, I ask you: What has two thumbs and is tired of paying upwards of 6k extra in income tax because it looks like I'm single every damn year: this guy, good to meet you.

IRS Guy on phone: "Um, interesting question, I think that if you are legally married as a legal male and legal female, and the state recognizes the marriage, it's ok, but, um, let me send you to the Complicated Tax Problem team."  (No I'm not making that last bit up, they're really called that)

Me: "Um, thanks?"

So... umm... check?

This temptation

Not ten minutes after I wrote that previous post, my very very favorite cake showed up in the staff room. Strawberry, angel food, and whipped cream frosting. Poked my finger into the frosting a bit and had a tiny taste and walked on by. TESTED. PASSED.

This Relapse

So things got hard. I went into foreclosure, got out again. Lost my bear to various types of illness for a while, got her back again. I got sick myself, with a bad cold, still am.  And in the midst of all of that, like so many other addicts, I said Fuck It.  I said everything to myself that I've heard from the other side of my desk a thousand and one times: It was just too much. I couldn't keep it all together and stay straight at the same time.  Etc. I made all the excuses and gave myself all kinds of permissions.  I haven't even bothered to weigh myself in weeks, though I know the damage is likely not as bad as I fear it is.  I'm still in between a size 40 and 42. I can still turn back before I fall further.  I tell my clients that relapse is a part of recovery, that you shouldn't punish yourself for it, you should just learn from it and move forward, move on, let it be part of yesterday rather than today. Just live in today as best you can, and say that just for now, just for this meal, just for today, you'll stay on your program.  My dad never could do that.  He never could forgive himself, for anything really, ever.  If I learned about being hard on myself from anyone, it wasn't just from my mom who drip fed (and drip feeds, current tense, whenever I let her) the ammo, it was from my dad, who fed me the habit of self flagellation through food, all by example.  He didn't mean to, any more than I think my mom means to be, well, mean.  He taught me to be forgiving for everyone, for everything, to a fault even, except when it came down to where the buck stops.  He taught me about responsibility, but never about how to put it down carefully without breaking it or give it to someone else when I was tired.  Responsibility was not something to be proud of or to celebrate, it was something like a hair shirt, but worse than that, because you were supposed to want it, because you deserved it.  As in, thank you sir may I have another kind of deserving.  He had a very Catholic way of looking at responsibility and guilt, see, Jews  usually just live with it in an almost cheerful way, they love their guilt, they cherish it. But dad, he carried it like a big damn cross, always living in effervescent fear that he wouldn't live up to his own expectations or those of his wife or kid.  He did so many things he didn't want to to assuage that fear, and I know he never wanted that for me.  When I felt like I failed at supporting my family, I started punishing myself in the only way I knew how, which brings me to today.  This is not, by the way, a testimony about a diet that'll "start tomorrow and for reals this time."  This is not a promise of abstinence and sobriety forever and ever amen.  This is just an assertion that for now, for the rest of today, I look at what I eat and I count my points. Just for today. As for tomorrow, well, fucked if I know, I'll have to see what I end up writing here then.

This parody: Gay Pride Day Song

With apologies to Adam Sandler, please sing the following lyrics to the tune of "The Channukah Song" loudly, while at your office, preferably in a cubicle so everyone can enjoy it. Thank you.

(Chorus)
Put on your ondoms-kay
Here comes Gay Pride Day
Break out the good lube, ok?
Cuz it's time to celebrate Gay Pride Day
Down some X and dance the night away
It's national Gay Pride Day
Put on your leather and gold lame
To celebrate Gay Pride Day
Listen to your Indigo Girls C-Dai
For Big Gay Pride Day
Don't forget to practice sodomay
On this National Gay Pride Day

(Bridge)
Gay pride day is the festival of feys
Instead of just one type o'sex, we're all over the damn place
So when you feel you're the only kid in town
Who's not a heteroo
Here's some folks who're also queer
Just like me and you:

(Verse)
Doogie Howser smokes the pole
Zack Quinto also loves getting stuffed in his hole

Greta Garbo, Joan Baez, they loved to lick carpet
So does Cheney's daughter Mary, he can't stand it

Green Day's Billie-Jo, does the sweaty hulu
And you know else does? Oh my, Mr Sulu!

Saddam Hussein. Not a gay.
Despite the opinions of Matt and Trey.

But Gaddafi had his beefcake porn, and David Geffen too
I however imply no connection between the two

Tilda Swinton. Only in our fondest wishes.
But sometimes, in the right mood, Ellen's ex Anne Heche is.

Alexander the Great buggered lads, so did Cole Porter           .
And Maurice Sendak always knew where those wild things were

Angie Jolie and Drew Barrymore, bat for each side
Put them together, what a fine looking dyke

Being a queer isn't magic, but I'm just sayin,
Dumbledore AND Gandalf were played by Sir Ian Mckellen

Kathy Griffin wishes she was as gay as Margaret Cho.
But the guy who wrote Fight Club was a HUGE friggin 'mo.

David Bowie and Micheal Stipe love to hatch balls.
And do you know whose? Wham's George Michael's!

The Oakland A's Glenn Burke batted for our team they say
And you know I've always wondered about Andrew Dice Clay.

Ricky Martin broke the closet door when he exeunted
You know who else? (sit on my)Facebook cofounder Chris Hughes did.

Lady Gaga often visits Sappho's island
And Rock Hudson took his packages through the back end

John Cameron Mitchell: Here I will simply reference "Hedvig"
And best believe B-52's Fred Schneider tossed him some salad

James Carroll, William Burroughs, & Truman Capote.
I hope they're all in heaven, enjoying a lemon party

So many people getting humped so many ways
So fuck it, go ahead make 'em all queer pride days!

This phisher

I recently received a phishing spam, as one does, and out of boredom and devilment I responded.  The results are below with the spam first. Please note: I used an anonymous email address unconnected to anything else on gmail to respond. I highly recommend against responding to sack-cheeses like this with your actual email address.  You could get some on you. Enjoy.

Royal Dutch Shell Group
Shell headquarters
Carel van Bylandtlaan 16, 2596 HR The Hague, The Netherlands

Postal address:
PO box 162, 2501 AN  The Hague, The Netherlands

WINNING NOTIFICATION,

We happily announce to you the Lotto Winning of the Royal Dutch Shell
Lottery, online promo held in March 2012. Your email address match
with Ticket Numbers: 7673899373ST with Serial Number: 779937/SN which
subsequently won you in the Lottery promo.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of $5,000,000.00
(Five Million USD) in cash.

All participants for the online version were selected randomly from
Royal Dutch Shell Database worldwide, Royal Dutch Shell must have had
your contact from the purchase you have made or the entry of your data
on the masterlist relating to Shell or it's Petroleum/Gas Products.

PLEASE NOTE!

To file for your claims, please contact the Fiduciary Agent:
Zonal Co-ordinator
E-mail: 1952204889@qq.com

Provide her with the below details for payment processing:
FULL NAMES:....................
ADDRESS:.........COUNTRY:......
GENDER:...........AGE:.........
OCCUPATION:....................
TELEPHONE/CELL NUMBER:.........
AMOUNT WON:....................

Your Sincerely,
MR. LESTER JOHN STOVER
Online Co-ordinator ROYAL DUTCH SHELL LOTTERY International Sweepstakes

My response follows:

I am happily going with the Winning of the Royal Dutch Shell Lottery, with luck balls in!  On online held winnings I will be have of the promotion and I strongly wish that my email address matches with claim numbers that are generated from the promotion of the masterlist.  The elephant flies with a cigar, I'm sure, and so I'm worried that the matching with the claiming numbers might be not with the correct fiduciary appeasement of same.  Can you provide me with the correct widget, so that we can entry together with this process before the petroleum catches inflation? Thank you!

Sincerely, 

Pringle Frito, Esq.

Age 94

Occupation: State Panty inspector, #69

Telephone: 248-434-5508

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Bonus Note:  That number? It's a Rick Roll. That is all. -JB