Clinical Derpage

It has been requested that I write a simple but badly needed disease monograph regarding something we've all seen but rarely talk about: Derpression. This disease is staggeringly under-reported and under-diagnosed in our country and abroad. Significant examples of derpression sufferers, who continue to be untreated, can be seen in any region, here for example in a member of a popular French Electronic Dance Music band (identity protected to preserve anonymity):

Presentation: Derpression can present at any age, thus it must be vigilantly assessed for at all times.  Common symptoms include dry mouth due to derpthymic breathing, from which this horrifying affliction gets its name, as well as chronic herping. (See above image for example of chronic derp.)  Other symptoms include vision occlusion related to squinting, drooling, delusions of grandeur in severe cases and an inability to have anything you say taken seriously as well as an increased risk of unflattering captions being affixed to still images of your face. Diagnostic modifiers for Major Derpressive Disorder include: Recurrent, single Derp episode, poor interderp recovery, mild moderate or severe derpage with or without delusional features, and full or partial remission.  In some cases of low level derps over the lifespan with no Major Derpressive episodes, a diagnosis of Derpthymic Disorder may be considered.

Risk factors: Mechanism of action of Derpression is as of yet unknown, though it seems that it can be communicable in some cases. Approach those with obvious signs of derp with caution, as they may not be aware of their condition.

Treatment: With therapy and vocational rehabilitation, those suffering from derpression can find their symptoms resolving. However, studies of patients with recurrent, severe Major Derpressive Disorder frequently will not respond to therapy alone and may require treatment with antiderpressants.  

Are you worried that you may be suffering from derpression? See your Derpetologist and ask them about whether Derpac(tm) (generic name: derpaline) may be right for you.  Side effects of derpaline may include: the inability to breath through your mouth repeatedly and an increase in instances of thoughtful expressions, as well as a resolution of facial captioning.  Ask your Derpetologist for details.

MDD doesn't just affect you, it affects everyone who takes a picture of you and everyone who sees that picture. Get help today.  Goodnight and good social skills.